09/05/2016 by Tom Torero
Reading Part 1 of the Black Sheep Guide, you might well be wondering what relationship options remain for guys if monogamy / marriage aren’t reliable paths.
Today I’ll lay out my methods of handling relationships, and some of the common traps men face along the way.
The Bandit Bachelor
“Being single is getting over the illusion that there is someone out there to complete you, and then taking charge of your own life” O Phatakc
As I outlined in Part 1, I’m not going to get married, have kids or be monogamous with any one girl. Saying this makes most people (including most men) deeply uncomfortable.
In monogamous relationships (where you’re only sleeping with your girlfriend, your fiancé or your wife) men get soft, mentally and physically. They’re like caged zoo animals, restless and then resigned. Loss of mojo and sex drive, codependency, overly emotional and “under the thumb,” it’s an often rapid descent into depression.
The inability to walk away because of a mortgage, kids, and a lack of other dating options leave men stranded. Neediness and jealousy rear their ugly heads. Trapped between wanting the affection of his surrogate-mother partner and the new sexual adventures that his DNA is crying out for, most men cave in and accept unhappy relationships with a diet of porn to keep the biological wolves from the door. Perhaps a strip club, or an affair on the side if he’s still got some mojo left.
Am I being bleak? No, I’m being realistic. As I said in Part 1, this is tough love from Tom Torero in order to shock some men out of their stupor. Consider the following:
- Having a steady girlfriend costs you around $300 a month (movies, food, concerts, outings etc). That’s around $3,500 a year.
- An average wedding costs $26,000
- Around 50% of marriages end in divorce
- The average child support is $500 a month
Now imagine what you could spend that money on if you avoided the monogamy path. The places you could visit. The adventures you could have. All without having to “ask permission” from your “other half.” Not to mention all the hot girls you could have sex with without having to hide it or feel ashamed about it.
“But you’ll die alone!” I hear you cry. “Casual sex is shallow and meaningless” you’ll heckle. “You’re being so selfish” the angry email will say. Hold your horses…I’ll address the most common Black Sheep objections in Part 3 of this guide tomorrow.
So where does that leave a Black Sheep with relationships? Well, here are the options:
- Fast casual sex with girls you don’t see again. This requires a strong pickup ability to keep feeding your hunger. It’s fun, flexible and good for rediscovering your balls.
- Whirlwind mini relationships of a few days. Keeping her around and having a mad passionate few days together before going separate ways. Good when travelling and sharing experiences.
- Fuck buddies / rotating harem. Sleeping with different girls and not promising monogamy with any of them. Keeping it about sex, not relationship-like activities. Takes more work than you think and the novelty wears off as you crave new girls.
- Open relationship. Having one regular girlfriend who knows that you have casual sex partners, and knowing that she does (or can have) too. Usually starts fine but then the girl begins the nesting/babies/cutting-your-balls-off rituals.
I predominantly focus on options 1. and 2. When I am in a stable location for more than a month then 3. also sometimes happens.
For guys wanting kids, then option 4. is the only way to go: having a non-monogamous relationship (not a marriage) with a girl who you’d like to be the mother of your kids. I’ve no experience of this, but because it’s such a monumental life decision, I’d say proceed with extreme caution and deliberation.
The bottom line is that men not only need new sexual experiences to keep us vitalised, but that a source of female affection is key too. The masculine thrives in the company of the feminine, and visa versa. Just spending time alone or with other guys leaves a man feeling unfulfilled. That doesn’t mean you need a girlfriend or a wife, but you do need to enjoy the company of females.
A Black Sheep is a realist. He knows that there’s nobody out there to “complete him” but that doesn’t make him a hermit and run for the hills. He knows that girls are not fragile angels, but he also realises girls aren’t devils to be destroyed.
You can have your cake and eat it. Be a bachelor but have a fulfilled life full of colour and warmth. Whoever told you that life was binary or black and white was wrong. You don’t need to be penned in like the other sheep to this box or that.
But to have this freedom you need to stay “sexually relevant.” You can’t get fat (if you are overweight then eat less and move more), you have to take care of your grooming and appearance. You need to be ok with often being by yourself. You need goals and a mission beyond hot girls to keep you motivated and driven. You’ll also need a “band of brothers” – solid male friends that you can do things with when the novelty of all that solo free time wears off.
The Black Sheep Mantra:
If I was summarising my philosophy for pickup, dating and my lifestyle, it would be with these four words:
Don’t Hide Your Dick (DHYD).
Rediscover your balls and don’t be ashamed about your natural desires. Realise that you have claws because you’re a wild tiger, not a domesticated cat. You need to take action and go for what you want, grabbing life by the horns. Dominate, don’t compete. Play offence, not defence. Stop whining about your roles as a man and instead get on with them:
- You have to approach the hot girl and tell her you find her attractive
- You have to avoid the Friend Zone by reminding her of your intent
- You have to get her number and arrange a date
- You have to lead the conversation away from boring chit-chat
- You have to go for the kiss
- You have to lead her back to your place and get down and dirty
- You have to draw a line in the sand if she’s playing games
- You have to move on from dead leads and pursue new ones
- You have to avoid neediness by having options
In pickup we call this “holding the frame.” The moment you let her hold the frame then things are rapidly fucked. And remember she doesn’t want to hold the frame, she’s just testing your masculinity to see if you’re going to take it back.
So being a Black Sheep is win-win. Girls get the renegade “alpha” they crave and you get the hot girl without having to hide your dick and feel emasculated. You’re in a relationship with her (sexual or more) from a place of strength, not weakness.
To find out more about how to hold the frame with the girl(s) in your life, check out my extensive daytime dating textbook called “Street Hustle.” You’ll find practical techniques for street pickup, texting, dates and seducing plus lots more on Black Sheep relationships and lifestyle.
Read part 3 of the Black Sheep posts here.