Harem Hustle #7: Harem Dynamics

You’ve done your daygame, succeeded in your dating and got a handful of new notches under your belt. How do you go from this mishmash of lays to a functioning harem where you can keep the girls around simultaneously in open relationships with you?

It all comes down to frame and managing expectations. From the moment you stop her on the street, through your texting and to the way you dated and slept with her, she has to know you’re not steady boyfriend material.

Setting this lover frame has to be done at the beginning. You can’t switch from boyfriend to lover down the road. Don’t promise her the earth, don’t pretend you’re going to be her boyfriend. Don’t verbalise that you’re a monogamous couple. Essentially – don’t break the lover rules:

  • You only sleep with her once a week
  • No letting her stay over for the night
  • No romantic dates (just sex)
  • No texting daily 
  • No public displays of affection


Each girl should feel the fact that you’re a playboy with options. By ‘feel‘ I mean your player status has to be implicit, not explicit. Many guys mistakenly communicate with girls like they do with men, verbalising everything in great detail, making it sound like an engineering contract.

How can you imply being the lover? In the way you daygamed her on the street (the smoothness suggesting you do it a lot). In the non-needy way you texted (showing abundance). In the fact that you seduced her quickly and prioritised sex before anything else. You’re a fuckboy. All the signs are there. 

There’s no need to give her a detailed lecture on the biology of male-female dynamics. She doesn’t need to hear you describing all your other conquests in great depth. Leave small clues, drop hints and let her fill in the blanks.

Long stray hairs in your bathroom sink. A piece of jewellery down the back of the sofa. Half a bottle of rose wine in the fridge. The smell of another girl’s perfume on the pillows. Whereas the Nice Guy assumes this would destroy a relationship with any one girl, the player knows that these clues of preselection and the resulting jealousy are rocket fuel for harem building.

Despite guys dreaming of having a harem, realise that it’s a lot of work to keep the plates spinning. If you’ve got five women you’re seeing, then that’s five nights a week you’ll be banging. You’d better have a high sex drive and be able to perform as these can’t be lazy bangs – each girl is going to need the full monty if she’s going to keep cumming back for more.

Use the rule “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” with each girl. Remember this is the Secret Society. She knows the deal even better than you. It all should be covert, not overt. Subtle, not screamed from the rooftops. Giving her the famous “Talk” should only be done as a last-ditch attempt to keep things open with her. It’s a sign you’ve already compromised the frame earlier on.

This interview with Instagram playboy Dan Bilzarian is a good summary of the implied lover vibe of a harem and why it’s refreshingly transparent to a girl:


There’s a very fine balance to strike with each girl in the harem. She has to feel “special” and “different” from the other girls she suspects you’re seeing, but not so unique that she feels like you’re in love with her. Give her too much affection and she’ll assume you’re becoming monogamous. Give her too little affection and the plate will fall off.

A very common question is this – don’t the girls get tired of just being fuck buddies and move onto more serious relationships with other guys? The answer is yes. In my experience a girl will be content with her Friends With Benefits status for a few months and then go and shack up with a Mr Nice Guy who’s offering her more affection, cuddles and walks on the beach.

But fear not. She’ll most likely come back to you for more of what she can’t get from her monogamous sweetheart. It might take weeks or months but she’ll start missing the marathon kinky sex sessions with you, the way you didn’t put up with her niggles, the fact you lead and made her feel feminine. She’ll miss the feeling of chasing you, of the drama in her mind about the other girls she knows you have.

You won’t be pining for her anyway. You’ll be out there hustling the streets to keep your funnel topped up and the leads coming in. Remember, a number a day keeps the neediness away. Don’t chase them, replace them. 

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For more information on the dynamics of a harem, plus the downsides to spinning many plates, listen to this podcast I recorded in 2016:

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