Proportionality

Beginner and intermediate daygame advice is intentionally simplistic. If the girl does x then you do y. If you want to achieve effect A then use tactic B.

This one-size-fits-all teaching methodology is very useful for a guy who’s learning the fundamentals of pickup and daygame. He doesn’t need to make things overly complicated in order to drill the essentials.

The problem comes when teaching guys who are beyond intermediate level. These are daygamers who are getting laid at least once a month from under 50 approaches and have a few dozen notches on their belts. The black and white advice they’ve used in the past no longer applies to their experiences infield.

Proportionality should be a central tenant of advanced pickup theory. It’s what is meant by “being calibrated.” How much or how little of a certain daygame technique you employ based on the infield situation in front of you.

“To push or to pull, that is the question…”

An advanced daygamer begins to instinctively feel what’s needed with any one particular girl. Should he add in another attraction spike? Does the interaction need more comfort? Is she ready to be bounced and seduced?

Proportionality means nuance. It means subtlety. It means recognising that rules can be broken and rebuilt. Yes, you can walk with a girl after the initial approach. Yes, you can open with a question. Yes, you can take her on three dates. Would you tell a beginner to do any of this? No, but with calibration a good daygamer knows when (and how much) to use a specific technique.

Like with any advanced skill, this is not something you consciously think about. Infield calibration and the toolkit proportionality run on an instinctual level based on thousands of prior approaches and hundreds of dates.

In this video from South America filmed in 2016 I explain more about the stages of learning daygame:

Embrace Discomfort

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding”

Why should we actively seek out the pain of cold approach pickup? What does all the discomfort of rejections, flakes and blue balls have to do with freedom and happiness?

This week’s daygame podcast looks at the positive effects of discomfort in your pickup and your wider life. I talk about this year’s Black Sheep Bandit van tour and ask for suggestions for the forthcoming book.

Leave any Black Sheep questions or comments below and the best one will win a t-shirt 🙂

Harem Hustle #8: Air Traffic Control

Adding lots of new leads to your daygame funnel means learning how to manage them effectively and efficiently in order to get them out on dates and seal the deal.

Regular pinging of these leads is a given, but so too is the pinging of girls you’re already sleeping with. How much or how little you text is girl-dependent. Follow the general text rules about mirroring if you’re unsure.

For each girl in your harem you’ll figure out if she’s a morning or evening texter. Does she write paragraphs or single lines? Do photo pings or audio pings work better? Which emoticons does she use and how much? 

Even though you’re sleeping with her, you’ve still got to keep that tension on the line: messaging 1/3 less than her, taking 1/3 longer to reply, maintaining the flirtatiousness and mystery. Over text and you’ll become her monogamous boyfriend (or, even worse, her gay friend). Under text and she may drop off the radar.

If you’ve only got one girl on the go then that’s not a harem or a plate, that’s a girlfriend. You’re automatically in scarcity which is going to lead to neediness and poor frame.

A harem hustler is like an air traffic controller in a war room, keeping an eagle eye on the progression of his leads. I spend about an hour in the morning over breakfast and an hour in the evening over dinner monitoring and pinging my leads. Which ones need more attention, which ones need less? How far along are they? What is the frame at play? 

My WhatsApp chats this morning

 

Spinning lots of plates in a harem gives you an abundance mindset. You’re less reactive, you’re no longer over-pulling. This then manifests in your outer game behaviours which each girl picks up on. Why doesn’t he text more? Why isn’t he chasing? Who else is he texting? 

If any one plate falls off the radar then you’re not overly upset. She might well boomerang back in the future but if she doesn’t it’s no big deal. The air traffic control mindset is anti-fragile in that you don’t need to mate guard or grieve if this girl or that goes off the map.

Some readers will think that all this talk of spinning plates is cynical and cold-hearted. Why not find The One Special Girl, settle down and stop all this nonsense? A much easier life!

Well realise that girls are far better air traffic controllers than you’ll ever be. It’s hard to emphasise how good she is at vetting leads and spinning plates thanks to the volume of traffic coming at her from WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Tinder and more.

Don’t believe me and think your shy sweet girlfriend-to-be is different? Then have a look at her DMs and inbox. Watch girls in cafes or on the subway and see how lightening fast they are at tapping away or deleting. That’s not a criticism. If you had so many leads to filter and manage then you’d be a pragmatic master of texting too.

Conviction

“What convinces is conviction”

All salespeople and hustlers know this. Conviction is at the heart of what a charismatic leader displays. It’s when you’re so sure of the direction of your plan that others can’t help but follow.

Even if you’re not 100% certain of what you’re doing or you lack experience with a particular daygame technique, you sure as hell need to act like you know what’s happening. Fake-it-till-you-make-it is definitely true here.

When do you need to show your conviction the most during daygame and dating?

  • When you stop her. Hesitancy is weakness
  • When you go for the contact details
  • When you’re dictating the date set up 
  • When you make your escalation moves
  • When you’re bouncing home

Why does conviction work with girls? Because solid male-female polarity requires the man to show strong leadership abilities when it comes to dating and mating. Uncertainty, nerves, stalling and tentative half-measures display that you lack experience with girls. Subconsciously she registers that your Sexual Market Value is low.

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A video filmed in Prague four years ago almost to the day goes into more detail on this important topic:

Asshole Game

 

This week’s Daygame Diagnosis is an infield displaying lots of elements of Asshole Game: playfully breaking rapport to create attraction by tonality, challenging, qualifying and disqualifying. Nice Guys should sit up and take notes on how the “power of the push” gets her interested.

Books mentioned at the end of the podcast:

Troy Francis: Cucked: Everything They Told You About Monogamy Is a Lie

Oswald Curragin: Millennials Among The Ruins

On Tilt

When I arrived in snowy sub-zero Russia in January to start my year of daygame I was Mr Needy. No leads, no dates, no girls that I could message to come over to keep me warm. As I trundled around the shopping centre opening sets I must have reeked of desperation.

It’s a chicken-and-egg situation. Lack of options means neediness, and neediness leads to poor Game and thus lack of options. This scarcity causes a daygamer to be “on tilt” as they say in poker:

“A poker term for a state of mental / emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a less than optimal strategy, usually resulting in a player becoming overly needy”

As a pickup artist tilt means you’re over-pulling, you’re over keen. You send too many needy text messages, you chase her too hard. Like a man lost in the desert you cling to any drop of female affection you can find.

And what’s the number one attraction killer with girls? Neediness. So this tilt can cause a downward spiral of your mental state, frustrated by all the flakes and blue balls, leading to even worse Game decision making.

In this podcast from last year I go into the techniques you can use to keep a solid mental equilibrium when doing infield daygame to avoid this tilt.

Daygame Free Solo

 

This week’s podcast reviews the dizzying documentary Free Solo (2018) about climber Alex Honnold’s pioneering free ascent of El Capitan without ropes or assistance.

How and why is the film’s central message the same as doing solo daygame? What is a flow state and how does cold approach pickup achieve it?

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Other documentaries mentioned in the podcast:

  • Meru (2015)
  • Deep Water (2006)
  • Man On Wire (2008)
  • Jiro Dreams Of Sushi (2011) 

Want to plan your own solo daygame mission to achieve flow? This post explains the details.

Judging Her Sex Life

A key tenant of being in the Secret Society is that you’re non-judgemental about the sex lives of girls and guys. Because the player is happily reaping the rewards of female promiscuity there’s no need for anger or resentment.

By shaming girls for having non-monogamous sex you’re automatically signalling that you’re on the outside of the Secret Society, looking in and masking your resentment as virtuous contempt.

Shaming tactics include being obsessed with “slutty” female behaviour, moralising about how they’d personally never be interested in such girls and expressions of an underlying Purity Fantasy about “good girls” who are more “chaste” and “upstanding.”

It’s ironic that the same guys who are online raging about “loose women” are also the ones Googling information on “how to bang girls quickly.”

Be reminded that by judging girls, you’re immediately excluding yourself from any possibility of sleeping with them. You’re displaying loud and clear that you’re not in the Secret Society and resentful that you’re on the other side of the wall.

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This podcast goes over the underlying characteristics of the Purity Fantasy and why it’s so damaging to your game:

 

This video from daygame in Japan explains why hunting for the “good girl” is also so flawed and detrimental to your pickup:

Abundance Cures Neediness

“Hey Tom,

I attended your Dirty Tricks seminar in December, and thought I’d share a recent success story that I attribute partly to the content you went through – and almost wholly to your material in general.

(Recognise you must get a lot of these, but as you say you welcome them, I couldn’t resist.)

I’m 21, and started daygaming in September, having done about 6 months of night game before and after a relationship I ended last summer.

Had solid, if sparse results before Christmas, but going into last week I was getting mildly impatient that despite a large number of dates, 2019 had brought no further daygame sex-cess. To fill the daygame gap, I had had a couple of lays from dabbling in Tinder [shame on you haha –  T] and a lucky night game pull in mid-January.

The latter girl (Miss P) seemed different from other girls I had gamed. [“NAWALT!” – T]. She seemed quirky, intelligent and sexy – someone with whom I had a lot more chemistry than most, and I was hoping to string her along for a harem or even perhaps an open relationship. Lately, though, she had begun acting dismissive or straight silent over text, which was mildly frustrating.

Cue last week (the Valentine’s Day spirit being upon myself or the girls perhaps?), in which I had three daygame first-date lays on three consecutive days. Brazilian Thursday, Caribbean Friday and Korean Saturday – all young, hot girls (the Brazilian being likely the hottest girl I ever banged).

It was as if all my failed dating in the time leading up to it had culminated in a lovely victory. It was beautiful seeing how all the lessons I’d painfully learned came in to help me close the deal in all three cases, and how material and strategies from the seminar I had practiced and failed at before now seemed to flow naturally. Not leaning in, the spikes and pre-prepared stories to slip out of comfort quicksand, the carefully planned verbal and physical escalation, the firm and determined bounce-back, and the constant, ever-deepening qualification.

Most significant, I think, was experimenting with not going for the make-out with the girls before they were on my bed. In many of my previous dates, I’ve ended up heavily making out and holding hands with girls in the second venue, but after a failed bounce-back finding them barely (if at all) text back the next day. Needless to say, this tactic worked wonders here, and will be a staple of my dating going forward.

Now, in an amusing but enlightening twist of fate, I ran into Miss P in the street while in the middle of this streak and had a quick but dismissive chat. Her texting silence suddenly broke and she asked to meet up again. Saw her again yesterday, and had a minor revelation.

Yeah, she’s cool, she’s hot, and she’s smarter than average, but she’s a bit of a complainer, and flimsy and disorganised besides. Was she really as special as I thought she might have been last month? Ehh… I don’t know. Funny what abundance does to clear up your perspective. 😉

Cheers for everything you do, Tom. Really great to have a virtual mentor along the way through the hustle.

Mr S”

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Watch the new 4 hour+ ‘Dirty Tricks’ seminar with my newest daygame and dating upgrades here. 

Game Theory Essentials

Ignore the basics at your peril

Whenever I give a daygame talk or chat to clients on coaching calls I’m perpetually shocked that guys are unaware of the basics (or even existence) of Game Theory. 

It’s not their fault. A guy getting into pickup in the last few years is bombarded with content about lifting, diet, Tinder, Instagram techniques, spiritual self-help, even politics. The fundamental principles of Game and pickup have been lost in the noise. 

Even worse is the fact that many coaches in the PUA scene today are actually anti-pickup. Either they don’t believe in the principles or knock them. The common advice you’ll read from such coaches is:

“Just go up to her and Be High Value. See if there’s a spark. If not then move on. That’s what Game is”

 

How can you correct this? Start with the fundamentals from over a decade ago. Read (or reread) “The Mystery Method.” In it you’ll get a solid breakdown of the basic three part structure of pickup (Attraction, Comfort, Seduction) and the necessary jargon that goes into each section.

Learn the components of flirting and breaking raport. Know an IOI from an IOD. Get a grasp on the techniques of rapport building. Brush up on the bouncing and escalating components of seduction.

Test yourself. Do you remember what a set is? A neg? Closing? How about Hook Point? Work out what a SOI, a FTC and a DHV are.

If I had to choose the four most important Game theory topics to teach a beginner then I’d focus on the following:

This isn’t all some hypothetical sociology. Pickup is a field-tested science (as well as an improvisational art) based on the principles of evolutionary biology. How men and women date and mate is not some dreamworld thinking, it can be tested, measured and tracked.

If all this is new to you then get the fundamentals memorised whilst you go out for some infield daygame to put it into action and see how it looks in the real world. To match up the London Daygame Model with the original Mystery Method M3 Model then listen to this talk I gave: